FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
