I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
