Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
