Non-Jews are for practice
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
