Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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