Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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