so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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