I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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