I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
