one two three fourrrrnication!
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
