Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
