I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
