I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
