Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
