Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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