Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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