I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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