hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
