Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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