1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
