Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize