I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
