apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize