the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
