herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
