i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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