So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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