Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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