I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
