Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
