I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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