Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
