I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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