Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
