How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize