there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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