after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
