So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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