there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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