I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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