I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
third nipple confirmed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
