The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
