the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
