dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
