I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize