brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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