I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
