just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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