Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
