There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize