totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
