Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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