i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
