So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I am one with the molecules
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
