haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
