I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
PANTIES FOUND
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