I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
