How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
