The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
