38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
