So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
