P.S. I can't hear my feet
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
