my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
