Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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