he wants to bone in the snuggie
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
