The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
